Signs of domestic abuse

There are many signs of domestic abuse. The main question is ‘are you afraid of your partner?’ Fear is the main way an abusive partner will control you and continue with their abuse unchecked.

If you are suffering from emotional abuse you may feel afraid, you may avoid doing certain things for fear of angering your partner, you may feel that you cannot do anything right or that you deserve to be hurt or abused.

Another sign of domestic abuse is control. Your partner may be abusing you through controlling and manipulative behaviour, for example, checking up on you, demanding to know where you’ve been and conversations you’ve had.

Your partner may deny you housekeeping money or force financial control on you while undermining your ability to cope.

Your partner may be violent towards you sexually or physically forcing you to do things against your will or degrading you.

They may even blame you for their abusive behaviour and treat you more as an object than a human being.

Signs of domestic abuse can often go unnoticed. Listed below are 16 signs that may indicate someone is affected by domestic abuse.

1. Injuries – Bruising, cuts or injuries occurring frequently, or in areas that can be hidden by clothing, or perhaps she is walking stiffly or appears sore. Sometimes she gives explanations for injuries that don’t fit with the description.
2. Excuses – she minimises or excuses injuries, perhaps saying she’s clumsy or gives the same explanation each time.
3. Stress – she displays physical symptoms related to stress, other anxiety disorders or depression, such as panic attacks, feelings of isolation and an inability to cope. She may even talk about suicide attempts or self-harming.
4. Absent from work – she is often off work, takes time off without notice or is frequently late.
5. Personality changes – you may notice her personality changes when around her partner or she appears to ‘walk on eggshells’ when in his company. She may be jumpy or show nervous mannerisms. Her personality changes can be evident over time, even when her partner is not around.
6. Low self-esteem – she has low self-esteem when talking about her relationship or her life in general and she may seem sad, cry or be depressed.
7. Lack of opportunity to communicate independently – perhaps her partner talks over her, or for her, and she may be reluctant to speak. Her partner can appear controlling or make disparaging remarks to her.
8. Self blame – she may take the blame for anything that happens, whether it’s at work, with the kids or with friends. She may blame herself for the abuse.
9. Lack of money – perhaps she never seems to have any money on her or forgets her purse because her partner is withholding money to control her.
10. Stops socialising – she may make excuses for not going out with friends, or suddenly pulls out of social meets at the last minute.
11. Her partner displays irrational behaviour – she may say that her partner is jealous, irrational or possessive, or you can pick up that he behaves this way. Her partner may accuse her of having affairs, flirting or may read her emails, check her phone or constantly phone to check up on her.
12. Unwanted pregnancy/termination – pregnancy often triggers the start of domestic abuse. She may be unhappy at being pregnant, not wish to continue with the pregnancy, or be forced into having a termination.
13. Substance abuse – she may use alcohol or drugs to cope or even prescribed drugs such as tranquillisers or anti-depressants.
14. Lack of assertiveness – perhaps she can’t make decisions, stick up for herself, give her own opinion or displays a lack of interest.
15. Damage to property – damage may be observed in the home or even harm to pets.
16. Unwilling to give out personal details – she may not give friends and colleagues her address or telephone number. She may insist that she contacts you, so that you don’t turn up on her doorstep.

What can you do to help if you are concerned about someone?

• Listen, without judging. An abused woman often believes her abuser's negative messages about her. She may feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate and afraid she will be judged by you.
• Believe what she’s saying and tell her the abuse is not her fault. Explain that physical violence or emotional abuse in a relationship is never acceptable. There's no excuse for it – not alcohol or drugs, financial pressure, depression, jealousy or any behaviour of hers. Even saying things like “he doesn’t seem the type” can be damaging as this implies that you don’t believe her.
• Make sure she knows she is not alone. Millions of women of every age, background, race and religion face domestic abuse, and many women find it extremely difficult to deal with the violence. Emphasise that when she wants help, it is available. Let her know that domestic abuse can get worse and may become more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.
• Explain that the abuse is a crime, and that she can seek protection from the police or courts, and help from the Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline, or a local Women’s Aid group.
• Suggest that she develops a safety plan in case of emergency. It's a good idea to keep money, important documents, a change of clothes, spare mobile phone and an extra set of keys in a safe place, such as at a friend or neighbour's house.
• Think about ways you might feel comfortable helping her. If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, assistance finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings or a lift to a Women’s Aid centre.
• If she works beside you, check about a workplace policy, change her working pattern, e-mail address and phone number. Check she is safe coming to and going from work.
• Avoid putting yourself in danger by confronting the abuser. If a crime has been committed you should contact the police.

It is important to realise that it is the abuser who chooses to act in this way and they are fully in control of their actions. They are to blame.